“If you do that again, I will never buy you a candy…” I said. Or “If you keep doing this…I won’t be able to do that for you!”
I make threats, but I don’t follow through. I confiscate their toys and promise to throw them away if they leave them lying around one more day…only to give them back a day later.
I promise to be there in 10 minutes only to run late because I had one more errand to run. It’s a constant battle to be a super mom and I fail terribly sometimes.
It gets overwhelming and things fail to follow a certain order. It gets shagala bagala! It gets chaotic! I find myself repeating the same tactics that I resented growing up and swore to never apply to my own children.
As a mother, I find myself wondering whether I am leaving some psychological damage that my boys will later struggle to overcome. I question, “What kind of a female role model am I in my house of boys?”
But…every time those debilitating thoughts cross my mind, I remind myself, I am human. I am bound to make mistakes. I do it all because I love them. I am never going to be perfect but strive each day to be a better mother.
Although I reflect a lot on how I impact the males in the house, I delve deeper into my thoughts on Mother’s Day. For example, If the boys happen to get married one day, what kind of women will they look for? In high school or college, will they stand up and say something if they saw a woman being bullied or mistreated? Would they help a fellow boy like them?
In the midst of these thoughts, I was handed a jar full of notes that one of our sons wrote for me on Mother’s day.
As I read them through, I cried! Not because I am a perfect mother, but because the messages that I was reading moved me to tears.
Some said, “You give the best hugs!” I give them long and tight hugs. They make me feel good and connect with them better.
“I like when you give me pep talks!” I mostly give them pep talks when they do something wrong but this really got me. They appreciate it after all!
“You help me manage stress!” Still don’t know how I do this but hey, it’s a good thing.
“You make the best food!” They love ground beef with beans that dad makes. Pilau is their favorite too.
“You look pretty.” I guess they love my styles although they have at some point also said I look like a boy.
The next time the critical thoughts start coming and I start beating myself up and thinking I am not a “super” mom, I hope I will stop. It is good to keep trying and care about being the best mother I can be. But the critical thoughts are draining and sometimes exaggerated.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8
I need to stop the inner thoughts that circle around my faults and shortcomings. I will remind myself of these soothing and encouraging notes, for these are true words from my child himself!
Over all of this I must keep seeing myself like God see’s me, like he see’s all of his children. In this light, I can best keep caring for my family and grow into the best mother I can become.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7